We've all had our fair share of both good and bad relationships. Both with friends and people who became more than just friends. I, myself, could probably write a best selling book on relationships and become an adviser on what not to look for in someone. I've always been the one who has had the long term boyfriend, yet this time around I find myself single. Single not by my choice.. but by someone else's choice. Everyone is entitled to their own path and choices and you can't force someone to be with you or love you, but you can simply be there when they need you. All to which I have done... all to which it has failed.
Of my relationship failures this last one is by far the biggest learning lesson I've ever had to experience. It was a roller coaster ride that went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, with yet still too many unanswered questions. Questions that will probably never get answered and those questions will drive me absolutely batty trying to figure them out, but what can I do? I can move on, that's what I can do... or at least try to. God knows I've tried to in the past and found myself running right back to the same false promises scenario again and again. Why, I was asked, do I keep going back? Simply put... I followed my heart. They say your heart will never lead you in the wrong direction, but why did mine? Why did mine for so many years point me towards someone I knew from the first site of I was going to love? That is one question I may never be able to answer...
I have a gift with people... I have the ability to see through their hurt, walls, and guards straight into their soul... to see the "real" person someone is. No matter how tall those walls are or how defensive they get, I've always been able to see a person for their true self. This last situation was no exception. I was able to see through hurt.. bitterness..anger.. and almost a paranoia into the soul of someone. A soul that was just so precious. A soul with a great big good heart and tons of good intentions... yet a head that ruled the roost and said and did other wise.
This soul was my white knight! The one who showed up at just the right time and for all the right reasons. Why did this white knight turn dark on me? I've been criticized and called crazy, insane, nuts, an idiot and so on for loving someone like this. We can't choose who we love.. our heart decides that, what we can do is simply let our head run the show and turn us into another direction. A direction that may or may not lead us to someone new or may lead us back to someone old. Everyone of us at one point has been to this cross roads, the Y in the road to move on or hang on. In my heart I know how much love there is... but my head is telling me to move. Move on.. there is someone out there for me that won't put me through the ups and downs like this. I've had my fair share of bad relationships... both mentally and physically abusive so I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of what is out there... I don't even want to look to be honest, I'm too afraid to look... the thought of starting over with a new person and going through the motions just terrifies me to no end.
With all this being said there remains my biggest question... how do I begin to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and life, put them back together, and move on and meet someone new? Where do I begin? Every day my heart just feels like a dagger is still through it. If someone has the answer to this I'm begging for it... I'm begging for a direction to be pointed in, because unlike all the rest this one hurts the worst... because I expected and was promised so much and got so little in the end.
So my question is to all of you... how did you move on from your last relationship? Is it OK to keep someone in your heart the rest of you life and be with someone else? How long is it going to take for my heart to mend? I just have so many wants, needs, questions... and no ambition or direction on how to obtain, aquire, and answer. If anyone has any good advice... my ears are wide open. I don't tend to talk about my personal relationships... but this one I just don't know where to turn.